What is it about me?!?!
My heart hurts thinking about him. I feel it breaking inside to see him posting pictures of his happy little life/union. It feels as if it’s going to burst out of my rib cage. I even get this tense sensation in my shoulders that radiates down my back and I just want to crawl in bed and sulk. Inside I curse as loud as I can, and I often find myself envious of what they have. Outside I say congratulations, I’m happy for you, you guys look good together. Even now as I write this I’m try to hold back tears. It’s funny because I started to post, Life…or something like it… and somehow these are the words that decided to flow. I think about the conversations that we had and the process of our friendship. I know our union wasn’t the right union, nor was it a union meant to be. But a part of me looks at the man she has I thinks why not me. But you always seem to bring back to me, which hurts even worst because I can’t have it. And despite what anybody thinks I do care about your situation. (But every time I ask what it is about me, you never respond, maybe this time it’s going to be different). And no I’m not saying that I want to be with him, I am saying that I want what they have, because I’m at this point in life where that’s something that I long for.
The thing about us is that you’ve never made me feel wanted. A girl wants to feel like she can be taken care of and not as in material things as in your going to be there with her and that’s what our relationship lacks. Not once can I ever remember you wanting to do anything with me. And I understand that a guy is not going to hang around if he doesn’t want to be there, but none the less you make me feel unwanted. It’s always me hitting you up saying what you doing. Do you want to do this? Do you want to do that? You make me feel like I’m chasing you. Although each time we are together we spend countless hours together (matter of fact can’t even think of a time when we’ve spent less than about two hours together) it’s the time in between my calls that I longED for you more, just wishing that one time you'll say hey do you want to this. Do you want to do that?
You make me question the person that I’m becoming. Each day I’m discovering more about me and I understand the person that I thought I was is not nearly the person that I am evolving into. Most often I wear about three faces. And that’s not to hide myself form any person, or to be something that I’m not. It was more of a way to protect myself. But with you I feel free. I love the way you look at me. It makes me blush. Most often times I act like I’m looking at something or not paying attention as to avoid looking up at you. And when I do I say “what” with a stupid look on my face. Then there is the way you touch me. Dear God, why does he touch me like that? It’s just a simple stupid touch, heck he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. Which is crazy because if you know me you know I don’t like to be touched. But you make me feel warm inside. Each time I pick up my phone to text or call you I go back and forth like saying “should I” or “shouldn’t I”, and the sad part is you don’t even know the way you make me feel inside. I just have no clue what to say to you, and it’s not often that I’m without words. Even when I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about I’m going to make it sound good. Hell I can debate that the sky is purple. I just want to be near you, and what’s crazy is that we’ve only gone out once. But I guess you’re just not that into me. And I would have to repeat what’s going on above.
You broke my heart and hurt me the most. I trusted you. We had a history. But just like countless others you may have done this to, you told me all the things you know I wanted to hear. And although you feel like everything is all cool and dandy, it’s not. You are the one that I tough was better than that. And to compare me with someone else, that just so happened to be someone considered as a friend hurts even worst. Yes I did play a part in that tangled web and I understand that. But that does not take away from that fact that I truly thought you were better than that. And I’m going to leave this as it is, and continue to let things be… But after the fact you got brand new. Whatever FUCK YOU, I’m cool on you!!!!
Why is it that all most every time we talk you try to belittle me? You love to tell me how much I’ve changed. You like to mention the difference between the Atlanta Mo and the Miami Mo. But you’ve yet to say what that was. I see it as now you see my insecurities. You had this perception of who you thought I was. And when I turned out not to be that person you say I’ve changed. Why can’t it be that you where wrong in the first place. I think every time I talk you I find myself hating myself more, and I’m SURE that’s not healthy. You make me question the person that I am becoming. You make me look back and wonder about what it is that I am not. Which is why I pulled back from you, I had to do it for myself, for the person that I am becoming.
And then there are those of you that say. If I wasn’t with this person I would be with you. I understand that for you that means something. But for me that does not mean shit. Why the FUCK do you think I want to be your second choice. I do think I deserve better than that. But I guess we never know where the stars will take us. Some would say I should me grateful. HAHAHAHAHAHA
You’ve all made me smile; some of you have made me cry. But in the end it was and still is a learning lesson. You in particular I would love to build with, and even though I say I’m good on guy friends I don’t need any more. I would love to just be in your company to be your friend because of the way you make me feel.
These are just my thought about a boy (ok maybe five boys) but I do admire the MEN that you are and the MEN that you are growing to be. Life is learning lesson, and I’ve learned things about life from all of these situations and I’m continuing to learn because of them.