...taking a journey through life, attempting to fit all the pieces of this puzzle together...

PLEASE NOTE...this is my personal blog with my personal feelings...


30 June, 2011

Blue in Green

Its not that often I can't express myself in words. Some days are better than others. I find that when I'm nervous I jumble my words and nothing that comes out makes since. I have to stop myself, breathe, and start over. On most days I can find a song that,express my emotions. I love music, and you can find me busting out in random song due to a phrase that was said. Last night I was having a hard time, so I broke out my cure for any remedy stuff, which usually consist of jazz. I played what I had and did some internet surfing. I came across Miles Davis'-Blue In Green and from the first note I was like this is how I feel. Now this isn't the first time I heard this song, but last night I was hearing it with a different set of ears. So I decided to share it here...ENJOY!!!

29 June, 2011

The weight of the world…


For a few days now my heart has felt heavy. I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world for the people that I care about. It’s funny how the dynamics of my life has changed. I go from not caring at all too having a bleeding heart. Maybe it’s my protective factor that makes me not care, but it’s failing me. If you know me you know that my mind spins, and spins, and spins. It can’t keep quite. Don’t ever believe me if I’m gazing off in space and I say I wasn’t thinking about anything. Sometimes at the moment it may skip my mind but I have so many thoughts sometimes that their hard to keep up with. Lately it’s been over whelming…

...lost my train of thought, but I decided to post anyways…SMH

22 June, 2011

You're My?

I think I’m too nice to you. I’ve allowed you to see a part of my inner core and it scares me. I’ve taken a step back and realized that I cannot control every situation. I truly believe that people come into your life for a reason, season, and a lifetime, but I wish that you are only here for a reason. I’m hoping your reason, is just to show me to learn to enjoy life. I hope your reason, was to help me understand myself better. I pray your reason was to simply be someone that I could trust. Yes, these are the things I’ve gotten from you, and I thank you for this reason. But please let it just be this. I don’t think I could handle you for a season. Within a season, I may hurt myself. A may allow you to take all that I have and leave me empty with nothing else to give. I can’t allow myself to go down that road therefore I will bow out now. I need to keep my sanity and preserve the person that I am and the person that I am becoming. Please don’t take this the wrong way, and I’m sure you’re not concerned. But I have to let you know why I can’t continue on this path, and thank you for starting me on this journey. I appreciate all that you’ve done. Promise me that you understand, and if this doesn’t work and you remain for a lifetime, be sure to stay true you yourself, and just simply be my friend.

12 June, 2011

Real Life...

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” -Marilyn Monroe

04 June, 2011

The price of happiness...

At what price do we pay to be happy. How much of ourselves do we need to give up in order to become more than just content with our everyday lives. I keep asking myself this question over and over again. I wonder is it all in vain, the sacrifice, the struggle, the compromise. How often do we smile and continue to keep going when we feel as though our world is crumbling around us. How often do you find your self being the supporting factor for others. How often do we  find our self being that shoulder keeping others standing tall to turn around and find you have to shoulder in return. How often have you needed that personal touch to find that you are all alone, and in the end find that there is no such thing as happiness. The other day I had a pity party with my self. I thought about all the wrong things about myself. I asked I wasn't I prettier. I asked why can't I see this person in the mirror that I hear so much about. I asked wasn't I smarter, I didn't I know how to apply myself. I asked why wasn't I skinnier, I mean it's hard trying to keep up this plus figure let alone loss weight in the process. I asked why wasn't I more successful, I mean I did everything by the book like I was supposed to do. I asked I wasn't I happy, and are these twisted thoughts that I've carried all my life apart of the road to happiness. Some days I feel completely numb other days I feel as if I own the world and nothing can touch me. My numb days have never stopped me, those days I've learned to keep pushing and look at the brighter side of my life. It's the days when I feel as though nothing can touch me do I question weather or not I deserve to feel this way. I asked have a worked hard enough. I've learned throughout my life that nothing is free or easy you have to work and work hard for all the things that you want in life. And with this somewhere I've also taught myself that maybe you don't deserve to be happy. For some reason I have become to accustomed to pain and suffering. Every time things begin to look better they seem to turn around and say not yet Mo it's not your time. You haven't paid the price to be happy yet. Currently feel like something is sitting on my chest. I mean literally my heart feels heavy with sorrow. I'm usually good at finding the root of my pain. But this time I can't seem to pin point my unhappiness. I find myself spacing out and not going anywhere. Its though my mind is completely empty. Maybe I'm reaching another milestone in my life. Maybe this time I will reach my rainbow, maybe this currently struggle will come with the bell and whistles and shinny things that place smiles on faces. Maybe when I turn the corner I will no longer question if I'm pretty enough, smart enough, shapely enough. Maybe in a few seconds the skin I'm in will feel better. Maybe I will no longer feel numb and my chest will be revealed from this weight. Maybe I will figure out the price of my happiness and no longer wish to just be content with life.