...taking a journey through life, attempting to fit all the pieces of this puzzle together...

PLEASE NOTE...this is my personal blog with my personal feelings...


04 June, 2011

The price of happiness...

At what price do we pay to be happy. How much of ourselves do we need to give up in order to become more than just content with our everyday lives. I keep asking myself this question over and over again. I wonder is it all in vain, the sacrifice, the struggle, the compromise. How often do we smile and continue to keep going when we feel as though our world is crumbling around us. How often do you find your self being the supporting factor for others. How often do we  find our self being that shoulder keeping others standing tall to turn around and find you have to shoulder in return. How often have you needed that personal touch to find that you are all alone, and in the end find that there is no such thing as happiness. The other day I had a pity party with my self. I thought about all the wrong things about myself. I asked I wasn't I prettier. I asked why can't I see this person in the mirror that I hear so much about. I asked wasn't I smarter, I didn't I know how to apply myself. I asked why wasn't I skinnier, I mean it's hard trying to keep up this plus figure let alone loss weight in the process. I asked why wasn't I more successful, I mean I did everything by the book like I was supposed to do. I asked I wasn't I happy, and are these twisted thoughts that I've carried all my life apart of the road to happiness. Some days I feel completely numb other days I feel as if I own the world and nothing can touch me. My numb days have never stopped me, those days I've learned to keep pushing and look at the brighter side of my life. It's the days when I feel as though nothing can touch me do I question weather or not I deserve to feel this way. I asked have a worked hard enough. I've learned throughout my life that nothing is free or easy you have to work and work hard for all the things that you want in life. And with this somewhere I've also taught myself that maybe you don't deserve to be happy. For some reason I have become to accustomed to pain and suffering. Every time things begin to look better they seem to turn around and say not yet Mo it's not your time. You haven't paid the price to be happy yet. Currently feel like something is sitting on my chest. I mean literally my heart feels heavy with sorrow. I'm usually good at finding the root of my pain. But this time I can't seem to pin point my unhappiness. I find myself spacing out and not going anywhere. Its though my mind is completely empty. Maybe I'm reaching another milestone in my life. Maybe this time I will reach my rainbow, maybe this currently struggle will come with the bell and whistles and shinny things that place smiles on faces. Maybe when I turn the corner I will no longer question if I'm pretty enough, smart enough, shapely enough. Maybe in a few seconds the skin I'm in will feel better. Maybe I will no longer feel numb and my chest will be revealed from this weight. Maybe I will figure out the price of my happiness and no longer wish to just be content with life.

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