...taking a journey through life, attempting to fit all the pieces of this puzzle together...

PLEASE NOTE...this is my personal blog with my personal feelings...


15 July, 2011

What is Love and What does Love feel like...

Today I was told by a friend that they were disappointed that I've never been in love. It actually made me sit back and think about my life and why is this true. I know I've loved before. I can count how many times I've loved. I can see their faces, hear their voices, feel their touch. And then I realized that it was all a false perception that I've taught myself to believe about life and love. You couldn't imagine some of things I've been told on why I'm not datable but yet fuckable. I've heard that I'm not pretty enough or smart enough. I've heard that I'm to pretty, or to smart. I've heard that I'm to fat or to tall. I've even heard that I'm to much of a good person, or that I'm mean. I've heard you would be my now if I wasn't with my now (girlfriend, wife, etc). And the list goes on. How can I ever experience love when I can't find someone that can see past my slight imperfections. I know that due to some of my experiences I've turned myself off. I ignore the advances and the slight lingering of a hello. I turn a blind eye to the side conversations outside of the group. When I'm asked for my number I simply say with a smile, thank you but I'm okay, all to like or fall for the guy that's unavailable. The guy that's in another state, or the one that's just out to have a good time, or the guy that has no interest in me what so ever. The guy that doesn't think twice about my slight advances or lingering hello's. I think this is a way for me to protect myself, but in the long run it only hurts, because I can't allow myself to be that girl. I can't be that girl that falls for that guy to get hurt so I just hurt myself in the process. Why can't this type of love be good enough to sustain my need for outside love. I mean my mom loves me, my friends love me, I even love myself. But for some reason these types of conversation always bring me back to wondering what it feels like to be loved. I wonder if that's even for me. Most times when conversations about love come up I feel completely empty, confused, and numb. I think can I ever love? I know I've talked about this subject before, and sometimes I think I'm completely over it. And then someone reminds me of that slight part of life that I've never experienced and I question the purpose of it all. Why do we need it, and how can I long for something that I've never experienced. How can a miss something I know nothing about. How can something that seems so simple make me feel so empty if I don't know what it is. I guess I will keep asking this question. One day I may even figure it out. Hey I might just experience it, and then I can stop asking What is love, and What does it feel like.

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."
               ~~Anais Nin~~

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up"

               ~~James A. Baldwin~~

6 comments:

Michael said...

My meloncholy Mo...I have so much to say on this subject but I fear I'd risk doing something I dont enjoy...Saying cliches or things you must have heard already. I also fear sounding preachy or know-it-allish...So I'll just say this. You are far from alone in your thought process. (I'm sure you've heard that before) I've heard the same comments bounce around my mind while I try to rest: "OMG eXo!!" (a nickname) "How is it you are single? If I weren't married, I'd...", "You are cute, If you'd drop a little weight I'd so husband you" or "You aren't the dateable type. You are the type women will want to marry, so you'll be miserable till they realize that." BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!! I've also had my own emotions trick me into thinking I was wrapped in loves embrace, only to dwell, years later, and chuckle at my moronic perception...I've also heard the BS about, if you stop looking, it'll come. Well how does one not look? If someone exhibits traits you think are necessary for a mate, you'll notice and thoughts will occur. I've tried to give up on love and its relatives (The biological clock begging for procreation, my familial pressure, etc) but all it takes is to see shakespeare in love or some damned movie, that makes my skin and stomach butterfly or a couple obviously in love, and I'm back to square one. So I offer no answers to you...just the unnecessary knowledge that you are not alone in your confusion or want to escape...we are you and we are here...Not as profound as your quotes but I feel it's appropriate.

M.G.F.J.

ps You are plenty gorgeous and you hold your weight deliciously so let that fool-hearty comments fly off your shoulders...(LMAO, I got to say fool-hearty in a convo...My inner child is lol)

-Mo said...

I'm happy to know that there is someone else in this world that has been affected by the indirect stupidity of the people around us. One day if it's meant to be it will happen. Hopefully I will recognize it and be ready for it.

Michael said...

I dont believe in that. That movie crap. "Faith with out works is death" Even the bible says you have to work ur butt off. Saying it will happen if its meant to be puts u in the same position you were in to start...

-Mo said...

Yes, but generally speaking at the same time we as humans block our blessings. We sometimes think something is not good enough or we think it's too good to be true. We sometimes have a disoriented view about our lives, which makes us push away things we need most. Yes, I agree it is about work and it's not just going to fall in our laps. However, having the wisdom to know that this is indeed something to enhance our lives sometimes falls on deaf ears and blind eyes; I am asking for the ability to see when it's there and be ready for it.

michael said...

yum...that was tasty to read. I love it

-Mo said...

tasty read....lol