Today I was told by a friend that they were disappointed that I've never been in love. It actually made me sit back and think about my life and why is this true. I know I've loved before. I can count how many times I've loved. I can see their faces, hear their voices, feel their touch. And then I realized that it was all a false perception that I've taught myself to believe about life and love. You couldn't imagine some of things I've been told on why I'm not datable but yet fuckable. I've heard that I'm not pretty enough or smart enough. I've heard that I'm to pretty, or to smart. I've heard that I'm to fat or to tall. I've even heard that I'm to much of a good person, or that I'm mean. I've heard you would be my now if I wasn't with my now (girlfriend, wife, etc). And the list goes on. How can I ever experience love when I can't find someone that can see past my slight imperfections. I know that due to some of my experiences I've turned myself off. I ignore the advances and the slight lingering of a hello. I turn a blind eye to the side conversations outside of the group. When I'm asked for my number I simply say with a smile, thank you but I'm okay, all to like or fall for the guy that's unavailable. The guy that's in another state, or the one that's just out to have a good time, or the guy that has no interest in me what so ever. The guy that doesn't think twice about my slight advances or lingering hello's. I think this is a way for me to protect myself, but in the long run it only hurts, because I can't allow myself to be that girl. I can't be that girl that falls for that guy to get hurt so I just hurt myself in the process. Why can't this type of love be good enough to sustain my need for outside love. I mean my mom loves me, my friends love me, I even love myself. But for some reason these types of conversation always bring me back to wondering what it feels like to be loved. I wonder if that's even for me. Most times when conversations about love come up I feel completely empty, confused, and numb. I think can I ever love? I know I've talked about this subject before, and sometimes I think I'm completely over it. And then someone reminds me of that slight part of life that I've never experienced and I question the purpose of it all. Why do we need it, and how can I long for something that I've never experienced. How can a miss something I know nothing about. How can something that seems so simple make me feel so empty if I don't know what it is. I guess I will keep asking this question. One day I may even figure it out. Hey I might just experience it, and then I can stop asking What is love, and What does it feel like.
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."
"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up"
~~James A. Baldwin~~