...taking a journey through life, attempting to fit all the pieces of this puzzle together...

PLEASE NOTE...this is my personal blog with my personal feelings...


03 December, 2010

What is a friend...

A single soul dwelling in two bodies.
- Aristotle

28 November, 2010

I will...

...no longer engage in things based off your feelings, and your point of view of me. Thanks Mo

27 November, 2010

twitter jacking...

RT @thequotewhore: Me without you is like a sneaker without laces, a geek without braces, a sentencewithoutspaces.


26 November, 2010

Damaged

DAMAGED
I feel damaged.  When I say damaged I mean no good, replaceable, maybe even refurbished (like I can be used again by someone else). I feel damaged because of life’s circumstance. And yes some of these circumstances can be really great but some of them can make you feel so worthless that it’s hard to feel better about yourself. I feel damaged because I’ve always tried to live my life the right way. I’ve always tried to be the bigger person, I’ve always tried to do things by the means of what acceptable. You know trying to live a moral life. Yes there have been plenty of times that I’ve done things that were more unconventional, but they were always within in me. They were always something that I thought about before I did it. And maybe that’s my problem. Maybe my problem is I think too much and I can’t just go into and do something. I try, but my mind won’t let me do that; my mind is telling me I always have to be in control. My mind is telling me that I’m damaged that I’m no good that I’m worthless.
**these are just random thoughts that popped in my head. I had words that needed to come out so I grabbed my blackberry and this what came out when I recorded my voice note, and then that was it.**
I think my point is I need to teach my mind how to be quite.I need to learn how to be still, and just do. Leaning how to turn my brain down and not think about every minute detail....

What now?

You are who you were in the past, and I am who I was in the past. There is nothing that we can do about the past as individuals separated. Maybe when all the confused feeling go anyway, and we get over the unanswered questions. Then maybe we will be able to move along and start new. But right now I can't do that.

It seems that the tables have turned. Then you weren't ready and now I'm not ready. And once again our paths aren't on the same course. I hope you can forgive me for not returning your feelings right now. (I have forgiven you for not retuning the feeling then).

Sincerely...

29 October, 2010

When I look into myself...

Have you ever looked into a mirror and not recognize the person looking back at you. Sometimes you may see this person that has grown and you see the sparkle of the person that you are becoming. Sometimes you just see your age the the years that have flown buy and you catch yourself wondering what you could do now at this very moment to stop this process. Or how about the times when you just plainly as clear as day don't know the person looking back at you. You ask your self is this the person that I have become. You say who are you. You play with your facial features, you touch your eyebrows, change the shape of your eyes. You place your fingers in the creases of your nose. You pat your lips together, you move your tongue over your teeth. You make different faces, you pull on your ears. You place your hands over your cheeks, then your forehead, just to look and say WHO ARE YOU, and what have you done to me.


Have you ever felt alone within your own thoughts. Afraid to not be by yourself. When you had to have some kind of obstruction like music, or the television breaking your concentration. When being alone with your self inside of your head is one of the most scariest experiences that you could ever have.


Often times I feel this way, I can't figure out my comings and goings and the last thing I want is to be alone with my head. A lot of the times I thrive off of this type of obscurity within my self. But more often then not lately it seems like a never ending black hole.


I've been trying to figure out this person that I am becoming. I see things within my life and within the world slightly differently. I'm changing, I'm growing and appreciably almost afraid of my future. In my short years on this planet I have dealt with a lot. Yes, others have dealt with more or have been in far more dangerous or less fortunate situations than myself. But that's' not my reality, within MY reality it has been a lot to cope with. The problem with me, I tend to keep a lot of my feelings balled up inside. I keep it to myself (well that was until I started this blog) I keep my personal problems within my own personal bubble.


But I'm changing and sharing. Those moments when I look into the mirror and I feel like I absolutely don't recognize the person looking back at me, I know that's the change I see. Or the times when I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts I know that's the growth in me. This person that I know as me, is just that ME. And each day I'm learning to accept who I am and the person that I am becoming. Because when I look into myself I know that I am the master of my fate, and the captain of my soul. When I find it hard to motive myself or believe in the person that I am becoming I often times remember certain things that inspire me to become greater.


Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.


Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

And there you have you have in a nut shell, INSPIRATION...this is what I see when I look into myself...

22 October, 2010

If I Was A Bird...

The opening words of Floetry's "If Was A Bird" speaks volumes right now!!!

Sometimes blindness finds me
and leads me through ignorance
not allowing us to gain experience
so we become lifeless
At other times I cover with
self pity or work aimlessly through reality so
Occasionally I choose to travel alone
but never fulfill my possibility so
mostly I attempt to achieve balance
by seeking right knowledge of loving
and reviewing and eventually over standing those
many lessons of my life

Geewiz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

16 October, 2010

Will you go out with me YES or NO...

Remember when dating was this simple? When you didn't have to think about it? You didn't have to wonder rather he was going to say yes or no! Or how about when you didn't even care, you just went on about your day and later in recess you made sure you threw something at him. Yep, I want to go back to when things were more simple.

Now that were older, we ponder over rather or not you're even going to say something. You spend countless hours thinking about someone that has no clue they have captured your thoughts.

I just want to go back to playing M.A.S.H (mansion, attack, shack, house) with my friends and not cyper stalking dude on the internet, or that game when you matched the letters up of your first names...
   AEIOU    JANE+JOHN
   12345
+11010    yeah, I got a double match, were going to be together for ever!!!
  23355
When you doodled his last name on yours and didn't care who saw it. You picked out how many kids you were going to have and what song was going to play during your first dance at your wedding. Yes, my song was Etta James "At Last" as long as I can remember this was going to be my first dance song, I loved her voice even as a child. Matter of fact "Sunday Kind of Love" (i want a sunday kind of love. I love that last past saturday night. and I'd like to know it's more than love at first sight) was going to be my next choice lol...

Now we get caught up in the politics of relationships. Then they were really a 50/50 thing. You put your all into him and vice verse like yeah.  When all you did was sit in someones front yard and kicked it, then maybe ventured over to the local park. Once in a while you went to the movies with "your FRIENDS" just to sit in the back and play suckey face. Yeah I want to go back to when dating was simple.

It seems that somewhere in high school we lost this. We started to learn how to play the "game". We forgot how to just be in a relationship. We carry so much baggage that its hard for us to take it back to when it was this simple. We worry what they are thinking instead of just asking. We start assuming due to our insecurities. We leave out the details. We forget how to just be. We forget how to compromise for our better half. We carry the burdens of every relationship we've been in like its an extra arm. We want the next person to be just like the last person even though the last person didn't work. Or we want the next person to be better than the last person but we don't know what it is that we really want. I'm a strong believer in you need to learn how to take care of your self before you can take care of someone else. How will you know what you want from someone else if you don't know what you want from your self. How can you be still with someone else when you can't understand your own thoughts.

Man, I want to go back to when it was as simple as, will you go out with me yes or no, will you be my boyfriend yes or no!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, that's it the next relationship I'm in is going to work just like that. As simple as a little note, on a piece of folded paper, with two check boxes.  Then were going to kick it at a park. Go to the movies and play suckey face. Were going to sit and stare at each other like were stupid. Were going to talk about nothing at all. We going to share our thoughts and take it back to when things were just this simple.

well...

life can throw some unexpected challenges your way. it's nice when they make you smile. i haven't felt like this in a while! super cool...

14 October, 2010

Thoughts of Him...

So I’m riding in my car and Silk’s "Let's Make Love" comes on the radio. Now normally I’m not really affecting by such things but tonight it made me feel some type of way. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had sex in 19 months and a whole flood of emotions decided they wanted to come out, but hearing that song did something to me.  I had all these images “attack” me at once.  Some of them intimate others just as innocent as a forehead kiss. But the funny thing was one person in particular had a very heavy presence there. The crazy thing about it was that this person and I have never had a moment like that. We’ve never been in a compromising situation.  I mean we’ve never even kissed. Maybe deep down I want this song playing in the background lol… It’s funny because he’s been on my mind a lot lately. I smile when I get random text messages from him just saying hey.  It was like whoa get your mind right Mo, move along tighten up!
Now it seems that at times, well a lot of the time I have to defend not having sex. My favorite statement was; were grown it’s not a big deal. Like Really? I have made up my mind that sex complicates things. So I’m not interested in sex with friends or casual sex. Sorry boys if you fall in those categories there can be no you and I practicing making babies. I want that moment to be with someone I truly care about. Someone that crosses my mind when songs like Patti LaBelle’s “If Only You Knew” comes on.


But anyways about him, he’s special to me always has been. One of these days he may pop up with a wife and I’m just going to stand there looking stupid. Now I know some of you are thinking well why you don’t tell him. And you know what, I have. J That’s one thing about me if I’m really interested in a guy I have no problems saying so or asking him to go out with me. Even in my little world I will do something like that. So what’s the problem? I don’t know I guess our paths haven’t crossed at the right time. One day they will I hope.

I mean really when that song came on I was like geesh, you’ve never even seen him with his shirt off WHAT ARE YOU THINKING. I was all the way out there. Ok, I’m making myself blush again I’m done!!!!!

Silk-Let's Make Love

 Let's make love
(Yeah, oh baby, like the very first time)
I wanna make love
(Oh yeah, baby can I feel you up from behind, yeah)
Can we make love
(Oh, baby tell me that it's all mine, babe)
Can we, can we make love
(Oh tell me babe it's all mine, all mine)
Can we, can we make love

Patti LaBelle-If Only You Knew

I must have rehearsed my lines
A thousand times
Until I had them memorized
But when I get up the nerve
To tell you, the words
Just never seem to come out right

So I think I'm a model now!!!

So I'm particpaiting in this Fashion Show and I could really use your support. Below you will find information.

Thanks a bunch.
Mo



Fashion Under The Stars

Friday - November 5, 2010
Welcome Reception
6p - Until $10 ($15. At Door)
Tempo's Listening Lounge * 2029 Harrison Street Bay 6 * Hollywood, FL

Saturday - November 6, 2010
Plus Model Seminar
Host by Sharon Quinn
1:00 - 3:00pm $20. Advance $30 At Door
Crowne Plaza Hotel * 4000 South Ocean Drive * Hollywood Beach, FL

Sunday - November 7, 2010
Red Carpet Arrival
4:00pm Doors Open
4:30pm - 5:30pm VIP Reception (Admission Only By Invite)
6:00pm - 9:00pm Fashion Showcase $20 ($30 At Door)
Crowne Plaza Hotel * 4000 South Ocean Drive * Hollywood Beach, FL

The Following opportunities are available:
Sponsors, Vendors, Designers, Press/Media, Models, and Volunteers.

01 October, 2010

Thank God for family and friends…

For me, life has not been going that according to plan. I know if you ever wanted to hear God laugh, all you have to do is tell him your plans. But that still does not stop me or the people I know from trying to plan life accordingly. It’s funny how at any given point you can be thrown for a loop and end up at the bottom of the pile feeling like you’re the only person in this world right now.  I still can’t completely fathom this feeling nor do I understand it. At this point I am not sure if I’m having a mental break down or a fucking pity party for myself. Right now I am in my favorite city in the US with my favorite friends, in which I should be having a fucking awesome time. But all I can do is wonder about the what if’s. I have gone through life doing everything by a certain book; by what I feel and think is right. I went to school (hell I went to school twice), I work, I’m not having sex (celibate for 21 months as of today), I don’t get drunk, I don’t smoke. I pay my bills when I have the money (because with two degree’s you would laugh at me and tell me to get my life together if you knew how much money I made, with the bullshit that I do).  I mean really WHAT THE FUCK. How do I get over this hump? My favorite life motto is “if you change your mind then your life will change,” and “Nothing in the world can be achieved without passion” But I’m wondering where in my life I have gone wrong. I mean come on can I get a break like really cut me some slack. But anyways I’m thankful for my family and friends. Even though it’s a struggle all the way around I have an amazing support system, and one of these days they will be able to lean on me as much as I lean on them.  Thank you God for the people that you have placed in my life. Rather they are here for a reason, season, or life time, I am truly grateful for their presence. I know I will get over this hump; I’m waiting patiently just slightly stressed as I walk through this process called life.

26 September, 2010

What do you prefer???

"People always think they know what the truth is, but what you learn as you get older is that there is no truth, there is only bullshit. Layers of it. One layer of bullshit on top of another. And what you do in life is pick the layer of bullshit you prefer."
--Bernie LaPlante "Hero"

20 September, 2010

Reading is fundamental...

My book corner...

The Alchemist has been one of the best books I've read. Its been a while since I've yearned to flip to the next page to finish a book. I'm kind of upset with myself for setting on it for so long. But all in all if you've never read it, do yourself a favor and pick it up!!!

This book was the epitome of following your dreams and chasing your destiny, and doing what ever it; takes to make sure you get there. Yes, there are road blocks along the way. Yes there are going to be some people that will offer you things to keep you there with them, but in the end knowing what is truly out there for you and not stopping no matter what you may leave behind to return as a better and wiser person.

Never stop chasing your "Personal Legend" ...

Give me something to talk about...

Give me something to talk about, because I HATE small talk. I could care less about your superficial bullshit. Let’s dialogue. Engage with me in subjects of the heart and mind, converse with me. Let’s fill this time with topics about LIFE. Give me some kind of substance. Give me something that’s going to make me think about you later. Make an impression on my life. Don’t fill the void of silence with what the weather is like.

I mean I really, really, really, REALLY HATE small talk. Now I do understand that small talk is a part of everyday life, but do we really have to leave it like that? Give me something to talk about! And on the other hand, Silence is golden and I lot of us could use a crash course in “How to shut the fuck up and be still”. Why do you like to hear yourself talk, I mean do you not realize I’m not listening. I don’t want to hear about the troubles with your boyfriend/girlfriend or baby mama/daddy drama. I don’t want to hear about your latest sexcapades. I don’t want to hear about how you slammed your finger in your car door. I could care less about your day because I’m quite sure it’s the same ol' same ol' because nothing interesting happens in your life. Trust me I know you tell me this every day. Did I ask for this information, um NO. Don’t call and say you’re checking on me because if you wanted to do that you could have checked from your computer or phone, via facebook or twitter.


Now there are sometimes in life when this stuff is okay, but don't make it excessive, PLEASE!!!!
Be still; learn to listen to your thoughts. Open your eyes and look at the world. You are NOT the only person here. AND DON’T TRY TO USE YOUR “mind games” ON ME, because you’re probably too busy listening to yourself that you don’t realize you sound like an idiot.

How about this let’s engage in something, something like a conversation. Wait I can’t do that because you like to hear yourself talk. And for some reason you think that your opinion is the above all in all end all. Um it’s an opinion everyone has one. Hell no one can get a word in because you like to cut people off.

I guess this is why my first dates don’t make it to a second because I don’t know how to just talk about simple things. My mind runs I want to know the how and why’s. If if you couldn't tell that by how random this post is, I don't know what to tell you :-/ go figure.

UPDATE (9-23-2010)

I've been told that I don't put how I'm doing on facebook or twitter so someone couldn't check on me at either of those places. HAHAHAHA oh well and this should be titled I don't like one side conversations either!

16 September, 2010

C'est La Vie...

There's always a little truth behind every "just kidding".
There's always a little knowledge behind every "I don't know".
There is always a little emotion behind "I don't care".
And there is always a little pain behind every "It's okay".

-Unknown

As I read this on one of my friends Facebook status I thought wow, this is so true. I can count countless times when someone asked me was I okay and I said "yes". When clearly my face and demeanor said said other wise. Or when I had something on my mind or wanted to voice my opinion about something I shrugged my shoulders and said "I don't know". Or when someone knows that something they may have said or done to me hurt or stung a little and I said "your cool it's okay".

My question is, is this okay. Is it okay for us to ignore what we feel inside. Should we take the chance and say what's on our minds even if we know it may hurt the person at the other end? Or are we using the logic that we are protecting ourselves as well as protecting the other person. But isn't omitted the truth the same as a lie?

I don't know..."C'est La Vie" ("Such Is Life)!!!

10 August, 2010

I'm hooked...

Lately as he crosses my mind I begin to feel this pressure sensation. It’s like this automatic response in which I can’t control my body. I feel as though I’m at the peak of a climax and it’s simply caused by the thought of him. I feel like I have lost control, like I’ve been stimulated to the point of elation. I find my mind drifting off to thoughts of him and us together. I’m losing control of my body and he’s not even aware. I have thoughts of him in which my body response to him like he's there. With a bite to the bottom lip my leg automatic moves. With a kiss to the shoulder, I am wide open. With a hand slightly touching my neck my back starts to arch, and I become his. My imagination scans the images of us tangled in the heat of passion. I feel his hands caressing all the places that bring me pleasure. I’m stuck between my realities. I can feel him next to me breathing in his nectar. I can feel his hands over every part of my body I’m hooked…

I don’t know what to do with myself…………………

Jill Scott- Crown Royal

“I’m in so deep I’m breathing for you.” Jill Scott

06 August, 2010

Unforgettable

I can feel him in the pit of my stomach. It’s like this constant commotion that never settles down. In most cases I can control it, but right now my mind lingers to thoughts unknown. I can feel his breath on the nap of my neck and the tickle of my hair elevating as goose bumps run down my spine. Right now my imagination has got the best of me; it skips two spaces and goes straight to go. I’ve been here before, a place filled flooding emotions. If desire had a picture I’m sure it would replace Adonis with an image of him. Maybe it’s the pre-game of cat and a mouse that’s makes it so exciting, or the continuous need of the thrill. He is the reason why I blush to myself when I’m caught in my whirlwind of fantasies. He is the reason when I close my eyes that I play a permanent stream of vivid images with us. I can feel him in the small of back. Like a hand ever so gently placed in a puzzle piece. It’s like the sweetest thing Lauryn Hill ever knew. You know like a kiss on the collarbone. I can hear him whispering “right here” in my right ear as I bite my bottom lip anticipating the result. ………enjoying what I know is coming before it gets there. He is the reason why I stare off in space. He’s become this permanent fixture like a panting you can outline in your dreams. Maybe it’s the way he looks at me, it seems like simple recreation to him. I can feel him touching me, tracing like it’s going to be the final of his art class. With each breath I breathe in the essence of him. I can see us interlocked, breathing as one. He is the reason why every time I walk through a department store a stop at the cologne. He is the reason I get gitty like a sixteen year old school girl with a crush. I can feel him in the tip of fingers, always touching him even when he’s not there. He is the reason why I smile and stop in the middle of my tracks. He excites me. He is unforgettable.

Legacies

You are where you are today because you stand on somebodies shoulders. And wherever you are heading, you cannot get there by yourself. If you stand on the shoulders of others, you have a reciprocal responsibility to live your life so that others may stand on your shoulders. It's the quid pro quo of life. We exist temporarily through what we take, but we live forever through what we give"

-- Vernon Jordan

30 July, 2010

About a boy...

What is it about me?!?!

My heart hurts thinking about him. I feel it breaking inside to see him posting pictures of his happy little life/union. It feels as if it’s going to burst out of my rib cage. I even get this tense sensation in my shoulders that radiates down my back and I just want to crawl in bed and sulk. Inside I curse as loud as I can, and I often find myself envious of what they have. Outside I say congratulations, I’m happy for you, you guys look good together. Even now as I write this I’m try to hold back tears. It’s funny because I started to post, Life…or something like it… and somehow these are the words that decided to flow. I think about the conversations that we had and the process of our friendship. I know our union wasn’t the right union, nor was it a union meant to be. But a part of me looks at the man she has I thinks why not me. But you always seem to bring back to me, which hurts even worst because I can’t have it. And despite what anybody thinks I do care about your situation. (But every time I ask what it is about me, you never respond, maybe this time it’s going to be different). And no I’m not saying that I want to be with him, I am saying that I want what they have, because I’m at this point in life where that’s something that I long for.

The thing about us is that you’ve never made me feel wanted. A girl wants to feel like she can be taken care of and not as in material things as in your going to be there with her and that’s what our relationship lacks. Not once can I ever remember you wanting to do anything with me. And I understand that a guy is not going to hang around if he doesn’t want to be there, but none the less you make me feel unwanted. It’s always me hitting you up saying what you doing. Do you want to do this? Do you want to do that? You make me feel like I’m chasing you. Although each time we are together we spend countless hours together (matter of fact can’t even think of a time when we’ve spent less than about two hours together) it’s the time in between my calls that I longED for you more, just wishing that one time you'll say hey do you want to this. Do you want to do that?

You make me question the person that I’m becoming. Each day I’m discovering more about me and I understand the person that I thought I was is not nearly the person that I am evolving into. Most often I wear about three faces. And that’s not to hide myself form any person, or to be something that I’m not. It was more of a way to protect myself. But with you I feel free. I love the way you look at me. It makes me blush. Most often times I act like I’m looking at something or not paying attention as to avoid looking up at you. And when I do I say “what” with a stupid look on my face. Then there is the way you touch me. Dear God, why does he touch me like that? It’s just a simple stupid touch, heck he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. Which is crazy because if you know me you know I don’t like to be touched. But you make me feel warm inside. Each time I pick up my phone to text or call you I go back and forth like saying “should I” or “shouldn’t I”, and the sad part is you don’t even know the way you make me feel inside. I just have no clue what to say to you, and it’s not often that I’m without words. Even when I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about I’m going to make it sound good. Hell I can debate that the sky is purple. I just want to be near you, and what’s crazy is that we’ve only gone out once. But I guess you’re just not that into me. And I would have to repeat what’s going on above.

You broke my heart and hurt me the most. I trusted you. We had a history. But just like countless others you may have done this to, you told me all the things you know I wanted to hear. And although you feel like everything is all cool and dandy, it’s not. You are the one that I tough was better than that. And to compare me with someone else, that just so happened to be someone considered as a friend hurts even worst. Yes I did play a part in that tangled web and I understand that. But that does not take away from that fact that I truly thought you were better than that. And I’m going to leave this as it is, and continue to let things be… But after the fact you got brand new. Whatever FUCK YOU, I’m cool on you!!!!

Why is it that all most every time we talk you try to belittle me? You love to tell me how much I’ve changed. You like to mention the difference between the Atlanta Mo and the Miami Mo. But you’ve yet to say what that was. I see it as now you see my insecurities. You had this perception of who you thought I was. And when I turned out not to be that person you say I’ve changed. Why can’t it be that you where wrong in the first place. I think every time I talk you I find myself hating myself more, and I’m SURE that’s not healthy. You make me question the person that I am becoming. You make me look back and wonder about what it is that I am not. Which is why I pulled back from you, I had to do it for myself, for the person that I am becoming.

And then there are those of you that say. If I wasn’t with this person I would be with you. I understand that for you that means something. But for me that does not mean shit. Why the FUCK do you think I want to be your second choice. I do think I deserve better than that. But I guess we never know where the stars will take us. Some would say I should me grateful. HAHAHAHAHAHA

You’ve all made me smile; some of you have made me cry. But in the end it was and still is a learning lesson. You in particular I would love to build with, and even though I say I’m good on guy friends I don’t need any more. I would love to just be in your company to be your friend because of the way you make me feel.

These are just my thought about a boy (ok maybe five boys) but I do admire the MEN that you are and the MEN that you are growing to be. Life is learning lesson, and I’ve learned things about life from all of these situations and I’m continuing to learn because of them.

Thank You!

Mo...

11 July, 2010

Giving up...

Have you every just wanted to give up. Not on life, but just quit the struggle and look for the easy way. Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, you keep finding that the harder you work the harder things become for you. Today I had a break and not just any break a personal break and I was in public. (Which bothered me even more that I could hold my emotions to the point where tears started to just flow.) Like damn, really right now! I’m usually really good at hiding my emotions especially in front of people. The only person that has really seen me at a low point over the past few years is my mother, and even around her I try to keep it as minimal as I can. At this point I’m just tried like really yes, I’ve had some really great things happen to me, but I have still haven’t been able to see the up’s of it all. My thought’s today took me back to conversation that I had with one of my friends about just being tried and not wanting to keep up a certain image.

** I mean I really cried in public in front of someone I did not know at their place of work)** and all I could say was this is just too much. This is a lot for me right now. I’m listening, I’m working it out. **and if I told you where I was you would say WTF…

So anyway I’ll leave you with a real life BBM conversation that meant a lot to me, which is why I saved it.  I need to look at once in a while for a pick me up!

<3 ♬B ♬<3 : What's wrong?!?
♡Mo♥: Life
<3 ♬B ♬<3 : :/
<3 ♬B ♬<3 : U wanna talk?
♡Mo♥: I swear there some kind of spirit out there trying to break me
♡Mo♥: It’s like shit keeps happening and the better I do the worst things get
<3 ♬ ♬<3 : Mo, talk about it. Or its gonna eat away at you
♡sMo♥: It’s a lot right now, work, money, I just feel broken and discouraged people think were supposed to have all of the answers
♡Mo♥: I'm just trying to figure it out
♡Mo♥: It’s like you KNOW you’re doing everything right, but keep getting thrown back up against a wall
♡Mo♥: And it’s hard because I always feel like I have to put on this face that everything is okay, but its hard sometimes a can't do that all the time
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : You don't have to put on that face. You do it because of what you think ppl will say.
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : We are all struggling and it is OKAY to let ppl see your vulnerable.
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : Don't lock your emotion in or it will make u sick
♡Mo♥: Its tuff not to be in control or know what's going around you. I couldn't tell you if I was coming or going
♡Mo♥: I'm so sick of always being that strong person, and when I do cry or show that I am human don't have the support
♡Mo♥: But thanks for listening I don't get that often
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : I understand. You feel like your hands are tied behind you. But they're not and it perfectly okay to get the frustration of it all out.
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : No problem! Call me, bbm me, text me, email me.
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : I'm here.
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : Sit and your car and scream to the top of your lungs...I bet you'll feel some kind of better ;)
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : I do it.
♡Mo♥: Ok thanks
♡Mo♥: ({})
<3 ♬ B♬<3 : ({})
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : No need to be stressed. Stolen joy is a point for the devil. Don't let him win!!


I LOVE MY REAL and TRUE friends. Thank you God for the support that I have to know that it’s okay to show myself to people, to know that I have an ear when needed, and a shoulder when I feel can’t take much more of it. If you don’t know the value of true friendship you are truly missing out on something wonderful! It makes not giving up that much more special!

10 July, 2010

Personal Thoughts!!!

"Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance next time."
-Malcolm X

Someone once told me that I was the most beautiful yet saddest girl they had ever seen. It seems that life can take you through these storms and at times your not sure if you are going to make it through. You know that you should have learned a lesson within that storm, but your not sure if you can pin point what that lesson should be. Today someone said to me "you deserve it, I'm praying that everything works out for you", and you know what I DO DESERVE it. I've worked hard, I've done what it is that I think is right. But this life we live does not necessarily see things the same as we do. This youtube video that I have attached to this post is some what like my self affirmation. It's saying the things that I tell myself every day. One of my favorite affirmations is "I believe in me first, even when I'm not 100% confident". And I feel that this is truly the way life should be. We get dealt things in life that we have no control of. Situations change, people change, hell the weather changes, and we have no control of that. We have to learn how to pick our selves up and keep it moving. We have to learn how to fight back through adversity.  I know I will be the first person to say that I am my worst enemy, and I'm sure their are others out there that feel the same way. But it's up to me to make sure that happens.

I'm not really sure what I'm getting at, but these are are thoughts that constantly run through my head. So I leave you with Christina Aguillera: Beautiful.


28 June, 2010

Cotton Candy On A Rainy Day

So I was feeling not quite myself today, and just asking a bunch of questions about who I am, and I thought about Nikki Giovanni. So I decided to share one of her poems.


Cotton Candy On A Rainy Day

Don't look now
I'm fading away
Into the gray of my mornings
Or the blues of every night

Is it that my nails
keep breaking
Or maybe the corn
on my second little piggy
Things keep popping out
on my face or of my life

It seems no matter how
I try I become more difficult
to hold
I am not an easy woman
to want

They have asked
the psychiatrists . . . psychologists . . .
politicians and social workers
What this decade will be
known for

There is no doubt . . . it is
loneliness

-Nikki Giovanni

05 June, 2010

I'm going dancing...

What does it mean to be totally free, and librated, to throw out all of your inhibitions. ? I’m not quite sure I’ve ever experienced that totally. See I’m a thinker and at times I even over think things. I was asked the other day if I could do anything in the world right now what would that be. And my answer was I would go dancing. Yeah, that’s’ right dancing. I’m talking about full out dancing like I’m in my room and no one is watching. So my goal for next weekend, which also happens to be a graduation weekend, is to go dancing like I’m on the show "So You Think You Can Dance" ;-P and put all my moves out on the table. I guess this will be my attempt to free myself, and let all  my worries go away for a few minutes.

Ready, Set, Go Mo...

03 June, 2010

Dear God...

Whatever plans you have for me, please show me the light at the end of the tunnel, because this current three year test I've been going through is starting to be to much for me to bare. I'm working through this, and pushing, but something has to give soon!

That's what friends are for...

The other day I had the pleasure of hanging out with one of my friends. This was my first time going to her new apartment that she has been in for almost a year (SMH). We started the night with a game of Truth or Dare Jenga, which has the potential to be a really fun game, with the right people and LOTS of ALCOHOL. Then we proceeded to fest on some Sushi and Sake. This of course came with some girl talk and some much needed support. And you know what I had one of the best nights of my life. And all we did was sit there, eat, talk, surf the net, Facebook, and ride around the block (I had to charge my cell phone :-{ ).

It’s been about two year since I just hung out without being out of town. It’s been about three years where my life revolved around worrying about writing a paper, studying for a class, and just plan trying to pass and exam. In that one night I realized how much of my life I can’t get back. And that’s extremely funny well a sarcastic funny coming from a person that believes “time is a commodity that can never be made back”. I can’t say that I regret the past three years, hell I got a Master’s degree out of it but I can say that, that night made me miss my friends.

The next day we where supposed to have lunch on South Beach, but I got side tracked due to family, but we rescheduled, and I am so looking forward to this. It was one of those things where I had that ah-ha moment. And the fact that this meeting was so impromptu was the best thing about it. Damn I miss my friends, and if you are lucky enough to be one of those people I appreciate you and thank you for sticking in there with me. It crazy because there are those people that I once thought I was friends with that gave me a hard time because I wasn’t hanging. Those people that told me I change or that I sucked, or that I was just plain not it. And to those people I say Fu©k U. I truly want to give those people that stuck with me when I wasn’t answering my phone or not returning text, because I worked 40 hours at night on the weekend. I did 30 hours at my internship during the week. Went to classes during the week, and made time for studying, I’m ready to party now. Well when I stop working at night then I’m ready to party but you get the point.

So I said all of that to say I have really cool friends, and I hope you are blessed enough to experience that feeling. It is true that friends are a dime a dozen but it’s really great when you find those rare one that can never be replaced.

21 May, 2010

...Love???

What does it mean to love? Better yet what does it mean to love someone else?

Love is one of those words that we hear so often. Sometimes it’s thrown out there loosely. Other times there is some type of meaning behind it. I thought I was in love once, when I was in high school. I now look back onto that experience and ask myself what the hell I was thinking. Now that I am older I see that situations as me simply wanting to be accepted. I often ask the question of “how does to feel to be loved?”, and often times people will say well I love you. But that is coming from a friend or a family member. When I ask that question I’m asking from a better half prospective. I’m asking as if this is someone I would potentially want to have a family with, someone to spend the rest of my life with. So I ask again how it feels to be loved. Better yet how does it feel to love someone else?

We as people often confuse love with other types of emotions. Sometimes we are missing things in our life and someone comes along and we feel that they are filling some type of void. But in actuality they are just assisting us with covering up what’s really going on. I think we need to learn who we are before we “decided” to be in love with someone, right? You know that phrase you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else.

Love is something that should not be taking lightly. There is a very thin line between love and hate. There is a very thin line between love and lust. Love can make people do things they never thought they would do. If you don’t know the difference you can lose yourself in what you consider as love. More people should take time out before they “decide” that they are in love. It’s something that should be approached very slowly because we do confuse what we are feeling.

I never thought anyone would love me, nor did I think I could truly love someone else. It’s just one of those things I feel is a very big responsibility that I wasn’t sure that I was ready for. But as I grow into the person that I am and the person that I am destined to be, I feel that I could truly love someone else, and better yet allow someone else to truly love me. I guess that is a part of growing up. You do simply that “grow”. You grow into your emotions, you grow in your feelings, and you grow as a person.

So with that I leave you with two beautiful love songs by Jose James. These are the types of songs you didn't think people made anymore. The type of songs that make you smile as you listen to them....ENJOY!

http://www.josejamesmusic.com/




15 May, 2010

The 3 Wise Monkeys!


HEAR no Evil,
SPEAK no Evil,
SEE no Evil,
DO no Evil...

The three wise monkeys (Japanese: 三猿, san'en or sanzaru, or 三匹の猿, sanbiki no saru, literally "three monkeys") are a pictorial maxim. Together they embody the proverbial principle to "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil". The three monkeys are Mizaru, covering his eyes, who sees no evil; Kikazaru, covering his ears, who hears no evil; and Iwazaru, covering his mouth, who speaks no evil. Sometimes there is a fourth monkey depicted with the three others; the last one, Shizaru, symbolizes the principle of "do no evil". He may be shown covering his abdomen or genital area, or crossing his arms. (-wikipedia)

Translation: touch your nose and mind your business!!!!!

14 May, 2010

What do you regret?

REGRETS

According to Merriam-Webster
transitive verb
1 a : to mourn the loss or death of /b : to miss very much
2 : to be very sorry for

intransitive verb : to experience regret

Its funny how within life, we have a tendency to look at things as either black or white. We never seem to leave much room for any kind of grey matter. It either is or it isn’t (well at least in my life). Within my time on this earth there are two things that I can say I regret. The crazy part is one of those things may not ever affect me later in life. It just may be one of those things that disappear, unless I become famous or something (BLAH). And the other, is one of those WOW types of situations. It’s you asking yourself after the facts like WOW how did this happen. You engage in the type of conversations with yourself, like, I know I’ve lived my life right, right? I try to live my life so that I set an example, and BAM you’re knocked off your feet. You’re sitting staring at the stars and birds circling around your head like in a cartoon. Asking your self is this really my reality? WTF.

I mean at the time you thought that was the best thing for you at that moment, RIGHT? It felt good right? You were happy right? It sent tingles through your spine right? After it was over, didn’t you have a big smile on your face :-D RIGHT!!!, and then as the days past reality sets in and you start to sulk in your own self pity.

So I said all of that to say this…LIFE can change on you. Just when you thought you were going down the right track something comes up. And in most cases that something is something that makes you say why me. And if you are anything like me you blame yourself for it. You think about how it could have been different. What did you do wrong? But, in a lot of these situations there was someone else that may have played a role in leading you down a certain path. (Now, I’m not saying blame others for your actions. Because when in the case where someone else is involved you have to look at the part you played.) I’ve learned that you can’t always beat yourself up about everything that you feel is going wrong in your life. That’s a part of life. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to do something that feels right at that moment and may regret that situation later. You’re even going to do something that you know was not right for you at that moment but you know what it *ucking felt good.

In the end were supposed to learn from our mistakes and in some cases the mistakes of others. Life is a learning lesson. You’re going to win some and you’re going to lose some. Hell you may even come out even in a lot of things. But in the end you grow. You grow into a stronger and wiser person.

Moral of the story: Don’t live your life with regrets! Enjoy your time on this earth and work with whatever situation that’s thrown your way. That’s how you learn to live. You pick and keep going!

08 May, 2010

Medicine for Melancholy

So I was having a conversation with a male co-worker of mine and the subject of love and dating came up. While we were talking he said I have this movie I just saw yesterday that reminds me of you, you should check it out. Now if you know me and you've seen this movie you know why this movie was suggested ;-P.

It's funny that upon his suggestion I ordered the movie off of Amazon.com after seeing the trailer and looking up information about the movie through the trusty would wide web, and I must say that I am completely in LOVE with this movie.  It focuses on all the things I love: love, learning, relationships, race, culture, you know the things that make up life!!!




Although it's not like most movies, especially the ending.  It's real and it gives me hope that there is that special someone out there for me and I just hope that our paths cross at the right time ;-P...

This movie is currently showing on http://www.sho.com/ if you have Showtime please check out the show times, it's well wroth it. Or you can just do what I did and buy it.

07 May, 2010

Getting Started!!!!

So I've been sitting on this blog for a few months now thinking about what I really want to talk about. Orginally I said I was going to use it to vent, because I felt I needed a out lease. But, being that I consider myself to be very private I though twice about that idea. And then I was inspired again. A friend of mine from college tweeted one day "I was 27 years old #whenifirstmet me! Growing up is a beautiful thing." And of course that was an instant re-tweet, because that is SUCH a true statement for me and bam there goes my inspiration.

So I decided instead of just talking about me, I'm going to talk about life. My life, my friends lives, and just stuff. The kinda stuff that makes you feel good, deep down in your soul. The stuff that makes you smile when you don't realize it, like music, books, movies, and places.

So hey I'm on a great ride called life, in a awesome head space. LET'S GET IT (in my Jeezy voice)!!!!!!!!!!!!