...taking a journey through life, attempting to fit all the pieces of this puzzle together...

PLEASE NOTE...this is my personal blog with my personal feelings...

30 July, 2010

About a boy...

What is it about me?!?!

My heart hurts thinking about him. I feel it breaking inside to see him posting pictures of his happy little life/union. It feels as if it’s going to burst out of my rib cage. I even get this tense sensation in my shoulders that radiates down my back and I just want to crawl in bed and sulk. Inside I curse as loud as I can, and I often find myself envious of what they have. Outside I say congratulations, I’m happy for you, you guys look good together. Even now as I write this I’m try to hold back tears. It’s funny because I started to post, Life…or something like it… and somehow these are the words that decided to flow. I think about the conversations that we had and the process of our friendship. I know our union wasn’t the right union, nor was it a union meant to be. But a part of me looks at the man she has I thinks why not me. But you always seem to bring back to me, which hurts even worst because I can’t have it. And despite what anybody thinks I do care about your situation. (But every time I ask what it is about me, you never respond, maybe this time it’s going to be different). And no I’m not saying that I want to be with him, I am saying that I want what they have, because I’m at this point in life where that’s something that I long for.

The thing about us is that you’ve never made me feel wanted. A girl wants to feel like she can be taken care of and not as in material things as in your going to be there with her and that’s what our relationship lacks. Not once can I ever remember you wanting to do anything with me. And I understand that a guy is not going to hang around if he doesn’t want to be there, but none the less you make me feel unwanted. It’s always me hitting you up saying what you doing. Do you want to do this? Do you want to do that? You make me feel like I’m chasing you. Although each time we are together we spend countless hours together (matter of fact can’t even think of a time when we’ve spent less than about two hours together) it’s the time in between my calls that I longED for you more, just wishing that one time you'll say hey do you want to this. Do you want to do that?

You make me question the person that I’m becoming. Each day I’m discovering more about me and I understand the person that I thought I was is not nearly the person that I am evolving into. Most often I wear about three faces. And that’s not to hide myself form any person, or to be something that I’m not. It was more of a way to protect myself. But with you I feel free. I love the way you look at me. It makes me blush. Most often times I act like I’m looking at something or not paying attention as to avoid looking up at you. And when I do I say “what” with a stupid look on my face. Then there is the way you touch me. Dear God, why does he touch me like that? It’s just a simple stupid touch, heck he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. Which is crazy because if you know me you know I don’t like to be touched. But you make me feel warm inside. Each time I pick up my phone to text or call you I go back and forth like saying “should I” or “shouldn’t I”, and the sad part is you don’t even know the way you make me feel inside. I just have no clue what to say to you, and it’s not often that I’m without words. Even when I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about I’m going to make it sound good. Hell I can debate that the sky is purple. I just want to be near you, and what’s crazy is that we’ve only gone out once. But I guess you’re just not that into me. And I would have to repeat what’s going on above.

You broke my heart and hurt me the most. I trusted you. We had a history. But just like countless others you may have done this to, you told me all the things you know I wanted to hear. And although you feel like everything is all cool and dandy, it’s not. You are the one that I tough was better than that. And to compare me with someone else, that just so happened to be someone considered as a friend hurts even worst. Yes I did play a part in that tangled web and I understand that. But that does not take away from that fact that I truly thought you were better than that. And I’m going to leave this as it is, and continue to let things be… But after the fact you got brand new. Whatever FUCK YOU, I’m cool on you!!!!

Why is it that all most every time we talk you try to belittle me? You love to tell me how much I’ve changed. You like to mention the difference between the Atlanta Mo and the Miami Mo. But you’ve yet to say what that was. I see it as now you see my insecurities. You had this perception of who you thought I was. And when I turned out not to be that person you say I’ve changed. Why can’t it be that you where wrong in the first place. I think every time I talk you I find myself hating myself more, and I’m SURE that’s not healthy. You make me question the person that I am becoming. You make me look back and wonder about what it is that I am not. Which is why I pulled back from you, I had to do it for myself, for the person that I am becoming.

And then there are those of you that say. If I wasn’t with this person I would be with you. I understand that for you that means something. But for me that does not mean shit. Why the FUCK do you think I want to be your second choice. I do think I deserve better than that. But I guess we never know where the stars will take us. Some would say I should me grateful. HAHAHAHAHAHA

You’ve all made me smile; some of you have made me cry. But in the end it was and still is a learning lesson. You in particular I would love to build with, and even though I say I’m good on guy friends I don’t need any more. I would love to just be in your company to be your friend because of the way you make me feel.

These are just my thought about a boy (ok maybe five boys) but I do admire the MEN that you are and the MEN that you are growing to be. Life is learning lesson, and I’ve learned things about life from all of these situations and I’m continuing to learn because of them.

Thank You!


11 July, 2010

Giving up...

Have you every just wanted to give up. Not on life, but just quit the struggle and look for the easy way. Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, you keep finding that the harder you work the harder things become for you. Today I had a break and not just any break a personal break and I was in public. (Which bothered me even more that I could hold my emotions to the point where tears started to just flow.) Like damn, really right now! I’m usually really good at hiding my emotions especially in front of people. The only person that has really seen me at a low point over the past few years is my mother, and even around her I try to keep it as minimal as I can. At this point I’m just tried like really yes, I’ve had some really great things happen to me, but I have still haven’t been able to see the up’s of it all. My thought’s today took me back to conversation that I had with one of my friends about just being tried and not wanting to keep up a certain image.

** I mean I really cried in public in front of someone I did not know at their place of work)** and all I could say was this is just too much. This is a lot for me right now. I’m listening, I’m working it out. **and if I told you where I was you would say WTF…

So anyway I’ll leave you with a real life BBM conversation that meant a lot to me, which is why I saved it.  I need to look at once in a while for a pick me up!

<3 ♬B ♬<3 : What's wrong?!?
♡Mo♥: Life
<3 ♬B ♬<3 : :/
<3 ♬B ♬<3 : U wanna talk?
♡Mo♥: I swear there some kind of spirit out there trying to break me
♡Mo♥: It’s like shit keeps happening and the better I do the worst things get
<3 ♬ ♬<3 : Mo, talk about it. Or its gonna eat away at you
♡sMo♥: It’s a lot right now, work, money, I just feel broken and discouraged people think were supposed to have all of the answers
♡Mo♥: I'm just trying to figure it out
♡Mo♥: It’s like you KNOW you’re doing everything right, but keep getting thrown back up against a wall
♡Mo♥: And it’s hard because I always feel like I have to put on this face that everything is okay, but its hard sometimes a can't do that all the time
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : You don't have to put on that face. You do it because of what you think ppl will say.
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : We are all struggling and it is OKAY to let ppl see your vulnerable.
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : Don't lock your emotion in or it will make u sick
♡Mo♥: Its tuff not to be in control or know what's going around you. I couldn't tell you if I was coming or going
♡Mo♥: I'm so sick of always being that strong person, and when I do cry or show that I am human don't have the support
♡Mo♥: But thanks for listening I don't get that often
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : I understand. You feel like your hands are tied behind you. But they're not and it perfectly okay to get the frustration of it all out.
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : No problem! Call me, bbm me, text me, email me.
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : I'm here.
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : Sit and your car and scream to the top of your lungs...I bet you'll feel some kind of better ;)
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : I do it.
♡Mo♥: Ok thanks
♡Mo♥: ({})
<3 ♬ B♬<3 : ({})
<3 ♬ B ♬<3 : No need to be stressed. Stolen joy is a point for the devil. Don't let him win!!

I LOVE MY REAL and TRUE friends. Thank you God for the support that I have to know that it’s okay to show myself to people, to know that I have an ear when needed, and a shoulder when I feel can’t take much more of it. If you don’t know the value of true friendship you are truly missing out on something wonderful! It makes not giving up that much more special!

10 July, 2010

Personal Thoughts!!!

"Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance next time."
-Malcolm X

Someone once told me that I was the most beautiful yet saddest girl they had ever seen. It seems that life can take you through these storms and at times your not sure if you are going to make it through. You know that you should have learned a lesson within that storm, but your not sure if you can pin point what that lesson should be. Today someone said to me "you deserve it, I'm praying that everything works out for you", and you know what I DO DESERVE it. I've worked hard, I've done what it is that I think is right. But this life we live does not necessarily see things the same as we do. This youtube video that I have attached to this post is some what like my self affirmation. It's saying the things that I tell myself every day. One of my favorite affirmations is "I believe in me first, even when I'm not 100% confident". And I feel that this is truly the way life should be. We get dealt things in life that we have no control of. Situations change, people change, hell the weather changes, and we have no control of that. We have to learn how to pick our selves up and keep it moving. We have to learn how to fight back through adversity.  I know I will be the first person to say that I am my worst enemy, and I'm sure their are others out there that feel the same way. But it's up to me to make sure that happens.

I'm not really sure what I'm getting at, but these are are thoughts that constantly run through my head. So I leave you with Christina Aguillera: Beautiful.