...taking a journey through life, attempting to fit all the pieces of this puzzle together...

PLEASE NOTE...this is my personal blog with my personal feelings...


29 October, 2010

When I look into myself...

Have you ever looked into a mirror and not recognize the person looking back at you. Sometimes you may see this person that has grown and you see the sparkle of the person that you are becoming. Sometimes you just see your age the the years that have flown buy and you catch yourself wondering what you could do now at this very moment to stop this process. Or how about the times when you just plainly as clear as day don't know the person looking back at you. You ask your self is this the person that I have become. You say who are you. You play with your facial features, you touch your eyebrows, change the shape of your eyes. You place your fingers in the creases of your nose. You pat your lips together, you move your tongue over your teeth. You make different faces, you pull on your ears. You place your hands over your cheeks, then your forehead, just to look and say WHO ARE YOU, and what have you done to me.


Have you ever felt alone within your own thoughts. Afraid to not be by yourself. When you had to have some kind of obstruction like music, or the television breaking your concentration. When being alone with your self inside of your head is one of the most scariest experiences that you could ever have.


Often times I feel this way, I can't figure out my comings and goings and the last thing I want is to be alone with my head. A lot of the times I thrive off of this type of obscurity within my self. But more often then not lately it seems like a never ending black hole.


I've been trying to figure out this person that I am becoming. I see things within my life and within the world slightly differently. I'm changing, I'm growing and appreciably almost afraid of my future. In my short years on this planet I have dealt with a lot. Yes, others have dealt with more or have been in far more dangerous or less fortunate situations than myself. But that's' not my reality, within MY reality it has been a lot to cope with. The problem with me, I tend to keep a lot of my feelings balled up inside. I keep it to myself (well that was until I started this blog) I keep my personal problems within my own personal bubble.


But I'm changing and sharing. Those moments when I look into the mirror and I feel like I absolutely don't recognize the person looking back at me, I know that's the change I see. Or the times when I'm afraid to be alone with my thoughts I know that's the growth in me. This person that I know as me, is just that ME. And each day I'm learning to accept who I am and the person that I am becoming. Because when I look into myself I know that I am the master of my fate, and the captain of my soul. When I find it hard to motive myself or believe in the person that I am becoming I often times remember certain things that inspire me to become greater.


Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.


Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

And there you have you have in a nut shell, INSPIRATION...this is what I see when I look into myself...

22 October, 2010

If I Was A Bird...

The opening words of Floetry's "If Was A Bird" speaks volumes right now!!!

Sometimes blindness finds me
and leads me through ignorance
not allowing us to gain experience
so we become lifeless
At other times I cover with
self pity or work aimlessly through reality so
Occasionally I choose to travel alone
but never fulfill my possibility so
mostly I attempt to achieve balance
by seeking right knowledge of loving
and reviewing and eventually over standing those
many lessons of my life

Geewiz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

16 October, 2010

Will you go out with me YES or NO...

Remember when dating was this simple? When you didn't have to think about it? You didn't have to wonder rather he was going to say yes or no! Or how about when you didn't even care, you just went on about your day and later in recess you made sure you threw something at him. Yep, I want to go back to when things were more simple.

Now that were older, we ponder over rather or not you're even going to say something. You spend countless hours thinking about someone that has no clue they have captured your thoughts.

I just want to go back to playing M.A.S.H (mansion, attack, shack, house) with my friends and not cyper stalking dude on the internet, or that game when you matched the letters up of your first names...
   AEIOU    JANE+JOHN
   12345
+11010    yeah, I got a double match, were going to be together for ever!!!
  23355
When you doodled his last name on yours and didn't care who saw it. You picked out how many kids you were going to have and what song was going to play during your first dance at your wedding. Yes, my song was Etta James "At Last" as long as I can remember this was going to be my first dance song, I loved her voice even as a child. Matter of fact "Sunday Kind of Love" (i want a sunday kind of love. I love that last past saturday night. and I'd like to know it's more than love at first sight) was going to be my next choice lol...

Now we get caught up in the politics of relationships. Then they were really a 50/50 thing. You put your all into him and vice verse like yeah.  When all you did was sit in someones front yard and kicked it, then maybe ventured over to the local park. Once in a while you went to the movies with "your FRIENDS" just to sit in the back and play suckey face. Yeah I want to go back to when dating was simple.

It seems that somewhere in high school we lost this. We started to learn how to play the "game". We forgot how to just be in a relationship. We carry so much baggage that its hard for us to take it back to when it was this simple. We worry what they are thinking instead of just asking. We start assuming due to our insecurities. We leave out the details. We forget how to just be. We forget how to compromise for our better half. We carry the burdens of every relationship we've been in like its an extra arm. We want the next person to be just like the last person even though the last person didn't work. Or we want the next person to be better than the last person but we don't know what it is that we really want. I'm a strong believer in you need to learn how to take care of your self before you can take care of someone else. How will you know what you want from someone else if you don't know what you want from your self. How can you be still with someone else when you can't understand your own thoughts.

Man, I want to go back to when it was as simple as, will you go out with me yes or no, will you be my boyfriend yes or no!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, that's it the next relationship I'm in is going to work just like that. As simple as a little note, on a piece of folded paper, with two check boxes.  Then were going to kick it at a park. Go to the movies and play suckey face. Were going to sit and stare at each other like were stupid. Were going to talk about nothing at all. We going to share our thoughts and take it back to when things were just this simple.

well...

life can throw some unexpected challenges your way. it's nice when they make you smile. i haven't felt like this in a while! super cool...

14 October, 2010

Thoughts of Him...

So I’m riding in my car and Silk’s "Let's Make Love" comes on the radio. Now normally I’m not really affecting by such things but tonight it made me feel some type of way. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had sex in 19 months and a whole flood of emotions decided they wanted to come out, but hearing that song did something to me.  I had all these images “attack” me at once.  Some of them intimate others just as innocent as a forehead kiss. But the funny thing was one person in particular had a very heavy presence there. The crazy thing about it was that this person and I have never had a moment like that. We’ve never been in a compromising situation.  I mean we’ve never even kissed. Maybe deep down I want this song playing in the background lol… It’s funny because he’s been on my mind a lot lately. I smile when I get random text messages from him just saying hey.  It was like whoa get your mind right Mo, move along tighten up!
Now it seems that at times, well a lot of the time I have to defend not having sex. My favorite statement was; were grown it’s not a big deal. Like Really? I have made up my mind that sex complicates things. So I’m not interested in sex with friends or casual sex. Sorry boys if you fall in those categories there can be no you and I practicing making babies. I want that moment to be with someone I truly care about. Someone that crosses my mind when songs like Patti LaBelle’s “If Only You Knew” comes on.


But anyways about him, he’s special to me always has been. One of these days he may pop up with a wife and I’m just going to stand there looking stupid. Now I know some of you are thinking well why you don’t tell him. And you know what, I have. J That’s one thing about me if I’m really interested in a guy I have no problems saying so or asking him to go out with me. Even in my little world I will do something like that. So what’s the problem? I don’t know I guess our paths haven’t crossed at the right time. One day they will I hope.

I mean really when that song came on I was like geesh, you’ve never even seen him with his shirt off WHAT ARE YOU THINKING. I was all the way out there. Ok, I’m making myself blush again I’m done!!!!!

Silk-Let's Make Love

 Let's make love
(Yeah, oh baby, like the very first time)
I wanna make love
(Oh yeah, baby can I feel you up from behind, yeah)
Can we make love
(Oh, baby tell me that it's all mine, babe)
Can we, can we make love
(Oh tell me babe it's all mine, all mine)
Can we, can we make love

Patti LaBelle-If Only You Knew

I must have rehearsed my lines
A thousand times
Until I had them memorized
But when I get up the nerve
To tell you, the words
Just never seem to come out right

So I think I'm a model now!!!

So I'm particpaiting in this Fashion Show and I could really use your support. Below you will find information.

Thanks a bunch.
Mo



Fashion Under The Stars

Friday - November 5, 2010
Welcome Reception
6p - Until $10 ($15. At Door)
Tempo's Listening Lounge * 2029 Harrison Street Bay 6 * Hollywood, FL

Saturday - November 6, 2010
Plus Model Seminar
Host by Sharon Quinn
1:00 - 3:00pm $20. Advance $30 At Door
Crowne Plaza Hotel * 4000 South Ocean Drive * Hollywood Beach, FL

Sunday - November 7, 2010
Red Carpet Arrival
4:00pm Doors Open
4:30pm - 5:30pm VIP Reception (Admission Only By Invite)
6:00pm - 9:00pm Fashion Showcase $20 ($30 At Door)
Crowne Plaza Hotel * 4000 South Ocean Drive * Hollywood Beach, FL

The Following opportunities are available:
Sponsors, Vendors, Designers, Press/Media, Models, and Volunteers.

01 October, 2010

Thank God for family and friends…

For me, life has not been going that according to plan. I know if you ever wanted to hear God laugh, all you have to do is tell him your plans. But that still does not stop me or the people I know from trying to plan life accordingly. It’s funny how at any given point you can be thrown for a loop and end up at the bottom of the pile feeling like you’re the only person in this world right now.  I still can’t completely fathom this feeling nor do I understand it. At this point I am not sure if I’m having a mental break down or a fucking pity party for myself. Right now I am in my favorite city in the US with my favorite friends, in which I should be having a fucking awesome time. But all I can do is wonder about the what if’s. I have gone through life doing everything by a certain book; by what I feel and think is right. I went to school (hell I went to school twice), I work, I’m not having sex (celibate for 21 months as of today), I don’t get drunk, I don’t smoke. I pay my bills when I have the money (because with two degree’s you would laugh at me and tell me to get my life together if you knew how much money I made, with the bullshit that I do).  I mean really WHAT THE FUCK. How do I get over this hump? My favorite life motto is “if you change your mind then your life will change,” and “Nothing in the world can be achieved without passion” But I’m wondering where in my life I have gone wrong. I mean come on can I get a break like really cut me some slack. But anyways I’m thankful for my family and friends. Even though it’s a struggle all the way around I have an amazing support system, and one of these days they will be able to lean on me as much as I lean on them.  Thank you God for the people that you have placed in my life. Rather they are here for a reason, season, or life time, I am truly grateful for their presence. I know I will get over this hump; I’m waiting patiently just slightly stressed as I walk through this process called life.