...taking a journey through life, attempting to fit all the pieces of this puzzle together...

PLEASE NOTE...this is my personal blog with my personal feelings...

31 July, 2011

This is what LUST sounds like...

There are so many things we can do.
You can taste you can touch you can make moves.
Just use your imagination.
You are creation.


There are so many things that we can do.
Use your imagination.
You can taste, you can touch, you can make moves.
Use you imagination.
Use you imagination.
[Verse 1:]

Close your eyes.
Let your expectations fade.
I’m your favorite memory.
Remember me.
Never again have you felt this way.
Lets improvise.
If you know how baby.
I can be you everything.


If you can’t recall,
I can show you who you are.
I see you.
I see your empire.
I see you so much higher.
It’s time to grow baby.
Use your imagination.

[Verse 2:]

Open your mind,
Let your knowingness free.
I’m your favorite melody.
Listen to me.
Inside me is the universe.
Lets explore.
Searching for evidence,
Of a higher life force.

If you can’t recall,
I can show you who you are.
I see who you are.
I see you.
So let me nurture your reality.
It’s time grow baby.
Use your imagination.

It’s all perception my love.
All is how we read it.
We are more than we think.
Do you see?
I am of the All,
And the All is of me.
Imagine that,
Now Be.

Use your imagination [repeat]

29 July, 2011

Today's reflection...

Today I woke up with a heavy heart. Someone was on my mind and I realized this person was not whom I perceived them to be. It was heartbreaking to know that I gave and gave and this person took and took only to walk way as if it was nothing. As I grow as a person I give a little more each time, but situations like this take me back to hardened person I once was. I understand that although people change, small elements of them remain the same, and sometimes when you least expect it you find that they were never the person you perceived them to be. Today this was my realization. It came at confusing time but understand it's a process of life. I secretly wish things could have stayed as they were with you being my confidant, but that would not have been fair to either of us, and in the end I would have hurt worst tomorrow than I do today.

P.S. Please understand that the title of this blog is Mo's Conundrum (...taking a journey through life, attempting to fit all the pieces of this puzzle together...) I don't have it figured out. I'm not perfect it. I'm human with different emtions that run through my head on the daily basis. I take it day by day and on some days I chose to write about it...

28 July, 2011

The Morning After...

As some of you know and other don’t I've always had this love affair with Maze Ft. Frankie Beverly's song "The Morning After". Most of my friends have heard me randomly humming the melody or singing the chorus. Some people have even been subjected to listening to it over and over again. There has never been a clear reason why. But this song has always stuck with me from the first moment my ears set to it. I've never fully been in this situation, but I can take bits and pieces that may have crossed my mind in different situations. No one has ever taking me to a point that as this song played, images of us crossed and played in my mind like a perfect symphony until recently. It's almost as if I can set our friendship to this song and think about the tragedy that's going to be my Morning After. Not lyrically word for word but situational I'm like damn. Like I've said before you've brought a certain meaning to my life, and I will be forever grateful for the role that you have recently played. So it pretty much goes like this. I've truly enjoyed our friendship. Yes, it has had a few bumps but nothing too major. It was one of those thing were we enjoyed each other’s company. I finally found someone to listen to me. Not tell me what I should be thinking, how I should be acting, or how I should feel. I found someone that chimed in at the right time with a non biased opinion, that allowed me to look and things from the different view point. I found someone that understood the meaning of having a moment, and not another person to tell me that I should not be thinking that way. I found someone that I was truly attracted to the person. Yeah I kind of think you’re crazy (and I repeat you're such an ass) but it takes one to know one:-p and that's what I enjoy most. I appreciate you for who you are. The part of you that allowed me in and the part that kept me far. The part of you that I have come to turst and value. I’m really going to miss you and this friendship that was way too short. I will be forever grateful to you for allowing me to JUST LET GO, it’s been a long time since that happened and I forgot how it felt. Our Morning After is coming up in a few days all of the fun will be over. I will MISS YOU and THANK YOU!


15 July, 2011

What is Love and What does Love feel like...

Today I was told by a friend that they were disappointed that I've never been in love. It actually made me sit back and think about my life and why is this true. I know I've loved before. I can count how many times I've loved. I can see their faces, hear their voices, feel their touch. And then I realized that it was all a false perception that I've taught myself to believe about life and love. You couldn't imagine some of things I've been told on why I'm not datable but yet fuckable. I've heard that I'm not pretty enough or smart enough. I've heard that I'm to pretty, or to smart. I've heard that I'm to fat or to tall. I've even heard that I'm to much of a good person, or that I'm mean. I've heard you would be my now if I wasn't with my now (girlfriend, wife, etc). And the list goes on. How can I ever experience love when I can't find someone that can see past my slight imperfections. I know that due to some of my experiences I've turned myself off. I ignore the advances and the slight lingering of a hello. I turn a blind eye to the side conversations outside of the group. When I'm asked for my number I simply say with a smile, thank you but I'm okay, all to like or fall for the guy that's unavailable. The guy that's in another state, or the one that's just out to have a good time, or the guy that has no interest in me what so ever. The guy that doesn't think twice about my slight advances or lingering hello's. I think this is a way for me to protect myself, but in the long run it only hurts, because I can't allow myself to be that girl. I can't be that girl that falls for that guy to get hurt so I just hurt myself in the process. Why can't this type of love be good enough to sustain my need for outside love. I mean my mom loves me, my friends love me, I even love myself. But for some reason these types of conversation always bring me back to wondering what it feels like to be loved. I wonder if that's even for me. Most times when conversations about love come up I feel completely empty, confused, and numb. I think can I ever love? I know I've talked about this subject before, and sometimes I think I'm completely over it. And then someone reminds me of that slight part of life that I've never experienced and I question the purpose of it all. Why do we need it, and how can I long for something that I've never experienced. How can a miss something I know nothing about. How can something that seems so simple make me feel so empty if I don't know what it is. I guess I will keep asking this question. One day I may even figure it out. Hey I might just experience it, and then I can stop asking What is love, and What does it feel like.

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."
               ~~Anais Nin~~

"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up"

               ~~James A. Baldwin~~

07 July, 2011

Brown Sugar

So, Brown Sugar came on the other day, and it does not matter where I am or what I'm doing I try my best to sit and watch this movie. Well up until one point, the point where Kelby kisses Sid on their first date. That kiss will go down in history as one of my favorite movie kisses. And I think everyone that knows me know this by now. I mean from the moment that he grabs her by the arm and goes in I'm like yeah that's it right there. I need that in my life. I love it!

So, can somebody kiss me the way Kelby kissed Sid on their first date?

05 July, 2011

I will... (REPOST)

I will no longer engage in things based off your feelings, and your point of view of me.

Thanks Mo

For some reason I forgot this, I had to say out loud for myself and say"snap the fu(c)k out of it Monique".

04 July, 2011

...and now what!!!

What's next is the question I keep asking myself. I can't seem to understand the thought of not being good enough. How do you move on and keep pushing when you're not 100% honest with yourself and how you are feeling? How can you be this person that people expect you to be when you feel like you are not good enough for the situation at hand? I really wish I believed in this person. I wish I knew this person. I wish that one day there will be a 100% acceptance thought, and I won't have to ask and now what!

I keep coming back to this making changes. I'm not sure if it 100% reflective of how I feel. This is reflective of me in the moment. I just really need to know what's next and learn how to completely believe in myself...

03 July, 2011

New Phase...

I've finally made up my mind to take the next step. It's time for me to stop thinking of the what could, what should, and what would be. It's time to stop thinking and start doing. I can't plan everything in every single moment. Sometimes I have to not cross my T's and dot my I's. I'm going with my heart for once in my life and moving forward. Hopefully this new venture will bring me the happiness I've been seeking. This new phase is going to be awesome. GO MO!!!!!!