...taking a journey through life, attempting to fit all the pieces of this puzzle together...

PLEASE NOTE...this is my personal blog with my personal feelings...

28 October, 2011


it's funny how something so superficial to some becomes everything to others!

Maybe it's the way you looked at me that had me stuck in a trance. Or it could have been how you held my hand gently as we walked for what seemed like forever. It could have been how you said hello, but what I do know is that I'm hooked. It may have been how you said my name or how you held my glace. It could have been the way you placed your finger nails that become your hand on the small of my back, but what I do know is that you have me thinking about the possibilities to come. It could have been the way you catered to my needs, or how you ignored me at the right times. Or maybe it was how attentive you were and knowing that you cared. Maybe it was your product placement and your presentation of it all, but what I do know is that you had me at hello, I'm great, and bye. It could have been how you made me feel so wanted that all I could do was think about every moment with you. Or maybe it was the way you exuded joy from your soul, and how you make other's feel. It could have been the way you allowed me to be there at every moment, or the lingering of a kiss that never happened. But clearly you have me at the moment thinking about you at every given chance.

It's something about you that makes me want more, to be apart of your life even it's it just for hello's. I'm trying to find peace with it all trying to find a way to make it all come together. A part of me wonder's if it's all in my head. It could have been that I let my imagination get the best. I keep wondering if you wanted me as much as I wanted you, and if it was for more than just one night. When you cross my mind there's a smile on my face, and it brings me pleasure to know your the subject of that joy. I find it hard to look at you the same. I can't seem to look at you as the person I saw before, I only see those moment's as if they're caught in time. I keep wondering if it's the same for you. I find it hard to be this caught up in someone without and inch of return. You weren't who I was looking for, but then again I wasn't looking. This experience came out of left field and threw me a curve ball.

It's funny how one person can throw your life in shambles without even knowing. How their presence alone can hook you from hello. Maybe it's for the better. But who knows what tomorrow may bring. Just maybe you know, it could have been. At the end of the day I just to say thank you, for allowing me to see more than what was and what could have been. Maybe that's what I needed in order to move along with life. Just know that you're the cause to the to smile that's really bright. All I know is that I'm hooked forever and a day from the moment I saw you, and said hello, I'm great, and bye!

26 October, 2011

You + Me = Zero

You + Me = Zero, or Me + You = Zero, either way it goes no where! It comes a point in life when we have to sit back and say I am more important to me than I thought I was. We have to allow our self the respect we deserve and no one can give it to you but you. I for one fall in this situation to often to many. Any glimmer of kindness sends me into a head over hills infatuated state. Maybe it's the lack of positive attention that does it for me. It seems that most times the bad out weighs the good in my situations. Or maybe it's because I secretly know that you are unattainable. I try not to let that hinder or influence my thoughts but obviously that's not the case. It's easy for us to fall for the guy that's not right for you. The guy that only gives you attention after the sun goes down. Or the one you have the hots for that lives more than 600 miles away. You have the guy that only contact's you when returning your communication. And so on and so one. The list can continue and with each scenario you will find someone on the other end wishing for more. But at the end of the day without a equal conclusion on where were going you + me will always be zero.

**Not sure where I was going with this. How I started was not how I wanted to end. But I'm sharing it anyways because this is where my mind took me.

22 October, 2011

Personal Responsibility

At what point in our lives do we begin to take personal responsibility of what's going on with our given situation? When do we have that moment when we say, "you know what I did that and I take full responsibility for what happened". For some of us it happens when we are kids. For others it never happens. I wonder what happens in our upbringing that shapes when and if we have this "epiphany". I've been thinking lately about how I deal with most situations. I'm usually that person that takes the burden of all my situations personal and directly. I may have only said hi to someone, but will say "well you did decide to walk into that room". It's funny how I've put so much pressure on myself to try and understand everything around me. I sometimes think, what if I didn't internalize everything, would I be a different person. And the answer to that would be YES, but would it make me a better person or would I just be one of the people I roll my eye's at and say, "well what did you do to lead to this problem". Now, would I like who I am if I had these difference's, yes an no. There is something about just doing that personally appeals to me. To be able to jump head first without thinking about what's next makes my heart flutter. Sometimes I envy those that don't think about their actions, but then again I am who I am and I accept that. With every thought, plan, and consequence negative or positive, I can always say I took the responsibility to get to this point. And I fully understand my part even if I don't acknowledge everything else.

03 October, 2011

Domestic Violence Awareness

A lot of people don't know that October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I think that all of us at one point in our lives have experienced some form Domestic Violence. Rather is was physical, verbal, or emotional we have all suffered from the hands or words of others. And if you haven't seen it first hand as an experience of yours I'm positive you know someone personally that has, and at the end of the day you're effected by that also. It seems that some people think Domestic Violence is something that only women suffer from but men as well have the same problem. The rates my not be the same but none the less it's the SAME thing.

So in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness I've gather some information to share with you via National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and the Hotline.

What is Domestic Violence:
Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone. Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:

Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you.
Does not trust you and acts jealous or possessive.
Tries to isolate you from family or friends.
Monitors where you go, who you call and who you spend time with.
Does not want you to work.
Controls finances or refuses to share money.
Punishes you by withholding affection.
Expects you to ask permission.
Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets.
Humiliates you in any way.

You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner has ever:

Damaged property when angry (thrown objects, punched walls, kicked doors, etc.).
Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or choked you.
Abandoned you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place.
Scared you by driving recklessly.
Used a weapon to threaten or hurt you.
Forced you to leave your home.
Trapped you in your home or kept you from leaving.
Prevented you from calling police or seeking medical attention.
Hurt your children.
Used physical force in sexual situations.

You may be in a sexually abusive relationship if your partner:

Views women as objects and believes in rigid gender roles.
Accuses you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships.
Wants you to dress in a sexual way.
Insults you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names.
Has ever forced or manipulated you into to having sex or performing sexual acts.
Held you down during sex.
Demanded sex when you were sick, tired or after beating you.
Hurt you with weapons or objects during sex.
Involved other people in sexual activities with you.
Ignored your feelings regarding sex.

 What is Battering?
  • Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person with whom an intimate relationship is or has been shared through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes that they are entitled to control another.
 Who is battered?
  • In all cultures, batterers are most commonly male. Rural and urban women of all religious, ethnic, socio-economic and educational backgrounds, and of varying ages, physical abilities and lifestyles can be affected by domestic violence. There is not a typical woman who will be battered - the risk factor is being born female.
  • Heterosexual males may also be victims of domestic violence as perpetrated by their female partners. They experience the same dynamics of interpersonal violence as female victims including experiences of disbelief, ridicule and shame that only enhance their silence.
For more information please visit these websites:

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence 

The Hotline

The Domestic Violence Awareness Project  

If you are in danger, please call 911, your local hotline, or (in the U.S.) the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

01 October, 2011

Breast Cancer Awareness

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. As some of you know this cause is very personal to me. I lost my grandmother to Brest Cancer in 1998. She was diagnosed in 1995, had surgery, went thorough chemo and radiation. Was told everything was okay three years later we learned it metastasized to her spleen, liver, and all over. In addition my grandmother's sister is currently fighting breast and bone cancer. She had a mastectomy last month. I had my first ultra sound a year ago after my doctor found a lump on my right breast during my annul appointment. Although everything was okay, it was fight to get my insurance company to pay for it. My doctor originally wanted to do a mammogram. I can remember for years asking my doctors to test me, in which they would reply it's not a immediate concern because it was your grandmother not your mother. Please don't take that answer from your doctors. Demand that they test you and fight your insurance companies to pay for it. Early detection can determine and save your life.


  Here is some general information regarding Breast Cancer that I got from the National Breast Cancer Foundation.
Breast cancer is a disease in which malignant (cancer) cells form in the tissues of the breast. It is considered a heterogeneous disease—differing by individual, age group, and even the kinds of cells within the tumors themselves. Obviously no woman wants to receive this diagnosis, but hearing the words “breast cancer” doesn’t always mean an end. It can be the beginning of learning how to fight, getting the facts, and finding hope.

Women in the United States get breast cancer more than any other type of cancer except for skin cancer. It is second only to lung cancer as a cause of cancer death in women.

Each year it is estimated that nearly 200,000 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer and more than 40,000 will die. Approximately 1,700 men will also be diagnosed with breast cancer and 450 will die each year. The evaluation of men with breast masses is similar to that in women, including mammography.

Generally, early breast cancer does not cause pain. Even so, a woman should see her health care provider about breast pain or any other breast cancer symptoms that do not go away.

Common signs & symptoms of breast cancer include:

  • A change in how the breast or nipple feels.
  • You may experience nipple tenderness or notice a lump or thickening in or near the breast or in the underarm area.
  • A change in how the breast or nipple look.
  • This could mean a change in the size or shape of the breast or a nipple that is turned slightly inward. In addition, the skin of the breast, areola or nipple may appear scaly, red or swollen or may have ridges or pitting that resembles the skin of an orange.
  • Nipple discharge.
For more information please visit these websites:

American Cancer Society

National Breast Cancer Foundation